A Proverbs 31 Wife for 2018

Who can find a virtuous woman?  For her price is far above Bitcoin.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that they spoil each other.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of televised sports.

She seeketh coupons, and worketh willingly with scissors.

She is like the shipping of Amazon; she bringeth goods from afar.

She riseth while it is yet night, and giveth strong coffee to her husband, and Cheerios and packed lunches to her children.

She considereth a mutual fund and buyeth it; with the fruit of her hands she planteth a 401(k).

She girdeth her loins with Jazzercize, and strengtheneth her arms.

She perceiveth that her merchandise is good; her iPhone goeth never out of electrical charge.

She layeth her hands to the Kindle, and her hands hold the GPS.

She stretcheth out her hands to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the fans of the Browns of Cleveland.

She is not afraid of the of the snow for her household:  for all her household are clothed with Gore-Tex.

She buyeth herself coverings of tapestry; but only at two-for-one sales.

Her husband is known on Twitter, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

She maketh fine crafts, and selleth them and delivereth needlework on the Internet.

Strength and honor are her clothing; and she is happy as a Hallmark movie.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and Wikipedia knoweth not more than she.

She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the idleness of daytime television.

Her children rise up, and call her most cool; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Many old girlfriends have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain:  but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be friended by Him.

Give her the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her on Facebook.